The Audacity of Not Being Interested in Guys in a Relationship

I'm confused why this is controversial

Twitter/X is discoursing again. More chaotically than usual, there’s been a debate ignited by a recent post by internet gay comedian (who Twitter seems to dislike and I legit do not understand why?) Rob Anderson. Rob posted a series of Instagram stories last week, vowing not to hook up with guys in a relationship anymore, and subsequently ranking (in extremely truthful fashion) the hierarchy of best hookups. The posts in question are below.

I am not going to lie, I was fully cackling reading all of this, because as you may remember, I’m fully aligned with Rob. The couples privilege is literally too real, and I am quite glad he said what a lot of us, or at least I have, been saying for a while now. That got me thinking about my last post on the topic, and I realized I was hedging a bit. I didn’t really say what I was feeling, fully - I tried to use logic to rationalize my behavior. Me, using thoughts to try and explain my feelings? A shock! The Twitter reaction to Rob is exactly why I was a bit reticent to say exactly what I meant, but good/bad news - IDGAF anymore.

My main issue with hooking up with, or even dedicating any time to flirting with guys in a relationship, is that I simply do not feel like I have time for that anymore. I am in my 30s, and while men luckily don’t have a strong biological clock in their head ticking, I personally have started to feel a near paralyzing sense of urgency when it comes to dating. Running out of time to be young, hot, and carefree, it feels like it’s do or die lately to find someone to date. Considering the fact that I’ve yet to actually be in a significant romantic relationship, I feel like I am very much behind my peers, and need to catch up, asap.

Talking with or f*cking someone in a relationship feels like a totally counterproductive effort given that sense of urgency. It’s inherently temporary - unless you’re trying to be a home wrecker, which has never been my vibe. Seems like way too much work. I only have so much time and energy - it doesn’t make any sense to me to waste that on someone who I know is not going to pan out long term. I am probably already doing that with single guys I’m going on dates with, I just don’t know it yet. The critical difference though, is that it’s still possible that those dates with single guys may turn into something more. And that hope is all we single men have.

It’s also particularly frustrating when guys in a relationship swarm parties, the apps, or wherever people meet now, with flirty energy, because it’s making an already complicated situation even harder to navigate. I know this is just sex and dating, but can we all acknowledge how difficult it can be to meet people that align with what you’re looking for, and how frustrating it feels when things don’t go your way, on what feels like a perpetual basis? It feels like everywhere I go lately I’m playing a game of Minesweeper - clicking little boxes/talking to guys and hoping they don’t have a little secret bomb hidden underneath, aka a literal husband. It’s already a risk that people have other issues that will detonate, in a bad way, once you get to know them - and guys in relationships are adding a whole new layer to the minefield. It’s annoying!

Rob’s sex ranking is also getting at a deeper issue here. Sex with people in a relationship, for me at least, lacks a critical component - connection. The older I get, the more that matters to me. When I know you have someone else you care about more than me, I am literally incapable of connecting to you as deeply as I might if you were single and potentially fully emotionally available. Sex isn’t just a physical act - it’s emotional and mental too. I actually think it indicates a very healthy sense of self-esteem to be unable to connect, or to want to connect, with someone who is unavailable to me. Why am I going to be physically and emotionally vulnerable to someone who is, if they are in an allegedly happy relationship, going to treat me as a second rate bf, at best? Someone famous once said, second best is never enough - you’ll do much better baby on your own. And again, unless I’m trying to pull an Ali Larter in Obsessed, if you are in a relationship, I am never going to be your first priority. And if I somehow was your first priority, that’s not a good sign of how you’d treat me if we ever did date.

There is also an aspect of jealousy at play here, of course. I want to be in a relationship, and this guy who is in one and flirting with me is having his cake and trying to eat it too. It’s easy for me to feel inferior since you’ve seemingly succeeded at something that I have failed at, so far. Now you’re also actively making it more difficult for me to find what I’m looking for by unwittingly distracting me from my target? Do you see how easy it is to be frustrated by this behavior? Give us single guys a chance here - it might not have been that long ago that you were single (or will be again, but we don’t need to talk about that). The privileged behavior isn’t a cute look when you’re on the other side of it.

I think it’s so hysterical how so many guys in relationships have reacted so negatively to Rob’s declaration. Like wow someone has no interest in you because you’re fawning over the love of your life on Instagram on a bi-monthly basis? And then you’re making out with 2 men at Hot Dog before 7PM, as if your defiance of alleged heteronormative standards requires me to be attracted to you. Like wait, isn’t it actually the proper course of action to be like, “OK, you love someone else, and then someone else for a couple of hours on Friday night, and I feel like you might not have the emotional bandwidth I need in a partner”? I’m feeling good about my behavior, to be honest.

Also, welcome to the rejection club! When you’re single it stings even more because you don’t have anyone else to fall back on. Poor you who someone isn’t interested in - now imagine having this happen over and over again, with no built in support system from a partner or boyfriend, after investing potentially large amounts of mental and physical energy into that person, with no guarantee things will ever go any better. Single guys are out here in the freaking trenches and you expect me to care that you’re offended that I don’t have any interest in being your entertainment for a night when you don’t feel like being with your boyfriend? I actually can’t handle the entitlement. So please forgive me if I’m not too sympathetic towards your plight if you want to get in my pants and I decide the existence of your partner is a dealbreaker for me. Maybe your boyfriend can console you.