Thanks for Telling Me about Your Boyfriend after Flirting with Me All Night.

When, if at all, should people in open relationships disclose their relationship status?

What happens when people in open relationships intersect with my current tribe - single people? It’s a common issue I face: I’m talking to someone cute af, we connect, flirt, and spend hours getting to know each other at a party or on an app. And then, after I really start to get into it, I find out that they have a boyfriend. Occasionally, I find out about the boyfriend after we’ve really connected, if you know what I mean.¹

Finding this out too late never feels good to me. Personally, I’m open to entering my bf era. It’s disheartening when you waste an opportunity to meet a potential boyfriend talking to someone whose dating potential is minimal. It’s also frustrating how frequently this seems to happen, and I can’t seem to figure out why. Are men in relationships more confident because they don’t have to deal with the consistent rejection that comes with being single? Are the stakes lower because they have a presumed source of validation and support with their partner? Do they have excellent taste?

Whatever the reason behind this recurring issue, what frustrates me the most is the fact that someone did not tell me they had a boyfriend up front. Now, the timing of disclosing a boyfriend is sensitive. Tell me too soon, and I’m going to be annoyed you led with that, and convinced you think I’m hot. Who said I was interested in you romantically (even if I was)? Tell me too late, and here I am writing an article about it. So I can’t help but wonder - is there ever a duty to tell me about your relationship status? Or do I need to ask?

Affirmative duties to disclose are actually a pretty common thing in our world. In real estate, there’s a duty to disclose latent defects with property you’re selling. The Brady rule requires prosecutors to disclose exculpatory evidence to the defense. The FTC imposes stringent disclosure requirements on advertisements to make sure consumers are aware when they’re seeing sponsored content. You get the point - we’re out here benefitting from or disclosing pursuant to affirmative duties to disclose information all the time.

There is a pattern among these duties to disclose. Essentially, they ensure people can engage in transactions with all relevant information. That applies even when, and I’d say, especially when, one party might not want to share that information. For example, a seller might not want to tell a buyer that their house is haunted because that might affect the amount the buyer is willing to pay. But you actually literally have to do that, at least in NY.² That’s because who the hell is asking if people’s houses are haunted? You’d have no idea whether this latent, material defect were present by normal means of inspection. But if a seller knows malevolent spirits are lurking within their home, it is simply unfair to allow them to hide that information. Determining whether an affirmative duty to disclose exists therefore hinges upon whether the information at hand is both 1. Latent and 2. Material.

So let’s apply this to one’s relationship status. Should there be a duty disclose the fact that you have a boyfriend or partner when flirting with someone? Step one of the analysis requires determining whether your relationship status is latent. To apply the real estate analogy, would a normal “inspection” reveal whether someone is dating someone already? Given the only physical way of knowing if you’re in a relationship would be a wedding ring of some sort, the key word here is probably “normal,” which I know is going to set many people off. Said differently though, when you’re flirting with someone, is it reasonable to presume that they are single, unless they say otherwise?

I think the answer here has to be yes. I know we’re gay, but I don’t know that it’s extremely common for gays to meet their partner when that person is already dating someone.³ If you’re taken, that’s cool. But for the vast majority of single people, on their list of wants and needs, being single is so presumed they don’t even mention it. Have you ever asked anyone what their type is, and they unironically said single people? No, of course, because that’s something we’re all assuming is true about the people we pursue. No one is thinking to ask this question on a regular basis, because engaging with me in a flirty way indicates you’re probably single. This the way that single people normally behave, not people that are coupled up. That renders your relationship status latent.

Step two requires determining whether your relationship status is a material fact. If you’re just looking for a hookup, it probably isn’t. If someone is in an open relationship, and you both just want to get naked that night, then it’s not material that they are dating someone else (at least for the single person). But if the single person wants to remain available for more than just a hookup, it’s quite material. And depending on the terms of your open relationship, your partner might think it’s material for others to know about him, generally, too.

I reject the idea that your relationship status is immaterial. If it’s not material when you’re initially meeting someone, why does it become material later on? If you can’t date me, but you can only hook up with me, why is that only relevant information after we hooked up? Oh, because that’s what you wanted, and I was crazy or unrealistic for expecting anything else was possible.

The debate over materiality seems to be where most people in relationships (inadvertently) seem to hang their hats when I bring this up. Flirting with someone heavily at a pool party, for example, that’s just fun flirting, and I, a single person, shouldn’t have had such high expectations beyond a fun afternoon or eventual hookup (or few). I’m unreasonable if I talk to someone with a desire for a connection deeper than whatever your relationship (that I have no idea exists) allows for. Do you hear how little sense that makes? How is any single person supposed to navigate dating if the assumption is that your relationship status, i.e. your unavailability to date, is not a material fact. It’s not fair to assume that people are only looking for hookups at all times unless they disclose otherwise. Being emotionally available is not something that we should have a duty to affirmatively disclose! And that is what anyone who argues that their relationship status is immaterial is saying.

I can already hear one counterargument: there’s lots of latent and material information that renders someone undateable that I’m not addressing here. What if someone is just visiting your city? What if they simply don’t want to date even if they are single? What if they’re a Cancer? Lot’s of things are material and latent that I’m not writing an article about the need to disclose. And I hear that - and I say IDGAF. Something about those issues feels like an inherent risk that we willingly assume when dating, or are simply subjective issues that come up when getting to know someone. They also aren’t as rampant. Crucially, they don’t run counter to an assumption that many of us reasonably operate under - that people making moves on you or responding to ones you make on them are generally available. I fully respect anyone’s decision to have an open relationship or live polyamorously. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for some consideration of the single people you’re flirting with, though. It’s likely you started dating your current boyfriend or husband when you were both single. Meeting another single person remains the most likely way a single person will meet their partner, too. Throwing a wrench in that well-settled set of ground rules, that you likely benefitted from, strikes me as a bit unfair and selfish. Yes, I said selfish.

Even though I think it’s quite clear that there is a duty to disclose one’s relationship status given it’s a latent and material fact, I’m trying a new policy out: asking someone if they’re single the second I might be interested in them. I have to be realistic. If the problem is recurring, I can’t simply expect everyone’s behavior to align to some standard of behavior I think is logical and just. I don’t love asking people if they’re single, since it requires me to be vulnerable and show my cards early; I might as well say I like you like you. But given the likely and bigger potential disappointment that faces me if I find out they aren’t single any later, it seems to be the best course of action. I also feel like, give me a couple weeks, and I’ll figure out a way to do it in a charming way, so maybe it’s actually a good thing. If you have any ideas how to do that, please share, because I am not looking forward to the trial and error here.

1. Open relationships are a super controversial topic. I am absolutely not opining on them; everyone should be in whatever relationship type they want. You wanna be open, closed, in between, or something else? I’m stanning that for you.

2. Stambovsky v. Ackley, 169 A.D.2d 254 ( N.Y. App. Div. 1991).

3. Again, fully supportive of polyamory if that’s what you want to do. It does not make it something that is common enough to be baseline assumption about someone else, at least today.