Stop canceling first dates at the last minute.
Enough.
It’s Wednesday afternoon. Someone asked me out, so I said yes. We made plans to get a drink at a bar near both of us at 8. At 5:30, though, this jerk announces he’s too “tired” to meet and wants to reschedule. I let out a literal shriek, respond that I’m not interested in setting more time aside given the 11th hour cancellation, and feel pretty badly about myself. We never speak again.
I think most of us can relate to this fact pattern. This isn’t a ploy for sympathy, but that exact set of circumstances happened to me last week (and something similar a few weeks prior). I don’t know what it is, but somehow it has become socially acceptable to flake on plans at any given moment. And canceling a first date at the 11th hour, which is especially heinous, is now more common than ever. That doesn’t mean it’s something we should have to tolerate, though.
Canceling a first date at the last minute communicates so much about you - and none of it is good. To start with the obvious, it’s extremely disrespectful. Aww, you had a busy workday? You didn’t sleep well last night? You’re in a bad mood because Beyoncé still hasn’t released the Renaissance visuals? And you waited until hours before we were supposed to hang to tell me this, as if you had no indication of your state of mind all day? I’m sorry - unless you think there is a high likelihood that you’re going to literally fall asleep at the bar, get fired, or you are suffering from a diagnosable emotional or physical ailment, deciding not to come at the last second is not showing up because you don’t feel like it, plain and simple. And that means you disregarded any concern for my time and feelings when deciding what made sense for you, which is disrespectful and selfish. And I don’t like that.
Not showing up at the last second also tells me you are lazy. Should I be impressed by how hard of a worker you are because you are slammed at work, and just so completely drained at 6PM such that you can’t do something fun and social anymore? Do you think I have never been tired after work and been capable of carrying out a simple social engagement? Do you also think I’ve never been busy with work and don’t suspect that you’ve probably known there was a high likelihood of work interfering with your plans all day? It’s really not that big of a lift to show up at a mutually approved location, drink some liquid of your choice, chit chat a bit, and leave. Plus, if you’re going on a date with me, I’m going to do all the talking anyway, so literally just showing up and sitting there is all that’s actually required. If you want to flex about how busy you are at work, just be careful what your actions actually reveal about how motivated you are, since there are plenty of inferences to be made that indicate otherwise.
It’s also shocking how willingly people reveal light sociopathic tendencies when cancelling at the 11th hour. Among other qualities, according to the Mayo Clinic, a sociopath often “ignores the rights and feelings of others,” and even worse, “manipulate[s] or treat[s] others harshly or with cruel indifference.”1 A social engagement isn’t life or death, but aren’t people still saying “IDGAF about how committing this objectively rude act makes you feel” when they decide not to meet you at the last second? You know I will feel badly if you cancel with little notice without a good reason, and you do it anyway. Do you think it’s going to make me feel good that my time was wasted? Or that what was apparently false hope for a potential new connection was actually just a disappointment trap? Do you think this makes you elusive and now I’ll want to meet you more?
We all make plans and then actually dread executing them - but haven’t we all been canceled on enough times to know how badly it feels when you’re the one left holding the bag? You know how it goes - they cancel, and you’re now hanging alone, mad, upset, sad, embarrassed, and God knows what else if you’re a water sign, while whoever canceled on you is doing whatever they felt was important enough to justify making you feel this way. We’re not responsible for each others feelings, but it’s reasonable to expect this behavior would make someone feel quite badly. If you don’t care about that…go back and take a look at what sociopaths do one more time and reflect for a minute.
I just find it interesting, too, how especially in LA, people are willing to go to extreme lengths to craft an often completely false public persona to social climb, but struggle so deeply to make a good impression when given the chance to do so. It’s comically effortless for everyone in LA to be fake AF when there are pool party invites or proximity to a B-list celebrity on the line. But do people not realize how obvious it becomes that they’re disrespectful, selfish, and lazy when they cancel shortly before they were supposed to meet you for a freaking drink? Two hours before the date and time they proposed or agreed to is apparently when everyone suddenly becomes totally authentic and reveals their true colors. If you really cared about your image, you’d get in the car and do what you said what you were going to do. But few are factoring integrity into their latest latest self-branding campaign, I guess.
And this is why I have a new policy: cancel our first date at the last minute,2 and I’ll never set time aside with you again. It’s a drastic move, but given how truly outrageously unacceptable this behavior is, do you blame me? This one act has told me so much about who you are, including what you find to be acceptable behavior and how much you value my time and feelings. Do you really think I want to meet you anymore when you clearly don’t give a crap about me?3 Someone famous once said, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Plus, you’ve also probably triggered some insecurities in me by deciding not to show up. Should I believe that you actually want to see me when your actions indicate otherwise? Should I trust that you’re not going to do this again? I’m now doubting how much you’re into me and whether you’re trustworthy, which are fundamental issues that are quite difficult to overcome. If you’re making me feel badly about myself before we’ve even met…this is not looking good. And in the spirit of cutting to the chase, I’m out.
I really cannot get over how outrageously disrespectful it is to cancel a first date shortly before it was supposed to start, and yet we all just act like it’s a part of life, shrug, and lament how much it sucks. It’s happened to all of us, none of us like it, and yet we’re still out here suffering through it like we’re in some twisted horror movie. So the next time you do this to someone, consider the ramifications of your decision, and proceed with caution.
“Antisocial Personality Disorder,” Mayo Clinic (February 24, 2023), https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353928#:~:text=Overview,rights%20and%20feelings%20of%20others.
There is some gray area here, but generally speaking day of is the last second.
And if turning me off was the point of canceling at the last second, I feel strongly that that behavior should be criminalized.