We Should All Stop Demanding to Know so Much about Each Other
In my gatekeeping era.
There’s a phrase I keep seeing online: “We should all know less about each other.” I don’t disagree, but I think we need to explore an important corollary to it: we should all stop demanding to know so much about each other. Both online and in real life, I’m constantly bombarded with intrusive questions from people I barely know, who apparently feel entitled to intimate access to my life(style). While I used to be an open book, I have realized how valuable my personal preferences are to me, and that most of the demands for information are solicited by selfish people who I do not care about, and who do not care about me. As a result, I’ve recently embraced the art of gatekeeping.
Gatekeeping is defined as “the activity of controlling, and usually limiting, general access to something.”1 The Pussycat Dolls were pioneers of the movement, championing the need to keep secret where they got their bags, boots, chain, and even man, in their highly innovative and timeless classic, “Whatchamacallit,” given the many negative consequences sharing such information would cause. Since that song’s release, with the rise of oversharing on social media, this behavior has never been more relevant, or important. I don’t know why, and I actually also don’t care why, but for some reason people who literally do not know each other feel entitled to a full and complete exchange of any information they desire to know about the other. Said plainly, everyone has become quite nosey.
I’ll never forget the time this guy who treated me what I would consider to be somewhere between Poor and Below Average on a scale of go f*ck yourself asked me how much I paid in HOA dues. Excuse me? Assuming they even had a relevant use for such information, why would they, a person with whom I had only actively negative interactions, expect me to divulge it? They’re going to take one piece of personal info and do what with it? Form a judgment about me? Set a score to beat? If you want to know what typical HOA dues are, I suggest you do some actual research and leave my anecdotal and private data out of it.
What makes asking some of these wildly invasive questions even more brazen is that many times that information took a long time to collect, loads of effort to sift through, and maybe even a bit of risk to act on. If you’re my actual friend - ask away, of course. You have earned access to my life given I want you to be a part of it, and I don’t fear a nefarious motive underlying your interrogation. But for everyone else - I am out here doing the legwork and you’re piggybacking? Absolutely not. And so I’ve been thinking, aside from my personal finances2, what else do I feel like I need to protect from people I have never said a word to, and/or whom I actively dislike.3 To that end - here’s my list of the gatekept aspects of my life, which I suspect is likely to expand on a semi-monthly basis.
My skincare routine
First of all, thank you for the compliment on my skin. Second of all, I will not be telling you anything about why it looks, to your eyes, so good :) It has taken me years of trial and error of various products at various price points in conjunction with many visits to dermatologists across the country4 to find what I consider to be the perfect balance of price and quality. Do you really think I am about to just give this all away to you? Hate to break it but hearting one or two Instagram stories over the last 2 years after we met on Scruff in 2021 does not entitle you to this information, sweetie. High level tip I will share for free, even though you probably don’t want to hear it: staying up until 4AM at all those parties (and consuming what you do before and at such parties) is not helping your skin to glow.
Where I am staying on vacation
I was recently away for a night and posted a few pictures at my hotel, which of course, was everything. I was confused though, whenever someone replied something other than “Looks fun!” or “Wow you look amazing in that bathroom selfie!” because like, what else do you need to say about this fabulous location? Oh you want to know which hotel I am at? Are you curious how much I paid? Are you also at this hotel? Will you decide to actually go on a second date with me 2.5 years after our first because you think I have good taste now? How about you go on Amextravel.com5 and compile a list of multiple hotels that fit your criteria, share that list with any applicable travel companion(s), and then make a collective decision that suits your own needs, and also go scratch. I am not your travel agent babe. You know what cool people do? They say ‘I love that spot.’ This indicates not only our shared good taste, but also our mutual appreciation for not being annoying af and demanding vacation tips from a light acquaintance or someone that rejected you and dated a guy who doesn’t even live in the same city 2 months later. Moreover, I'm not telling you where I am staying so that you can then plan a group trip there and not include me. It’s funny how people never want to experience your apparently good taste in hotels with you! Idea: why don’t you go stay at the Montage Los Cabos so you can tag it in your story like everyone else desperate to flex their allegedly luxurious lifestyle.
Who the cute guy on my story is
“Is that your boyfriend?” asks someone who breadcrumbed me for 5 weeks in response to my pic with an attractive 37 year old man. Generally speaking, the only people asking this question either could have been my boyfriend and chose not to explore that, or are people to whom this information is irrelevant. And so I ask myself, why do you care if this hot man is my boyfriend? Will you be updating Male General with this delectable scoop? Is the group chat curious? Do you want to feel badly about yourself after realizing I bagged someone way hotter than you even after you started doing HGH? Are you saying you find my friend attractive but not me? None of these are good reasons! If you need to know if this man is my boyfriend, I will tell you when the time comes. Go away!
Which Equinox locations I enjoy
I do not need to unexpectedly see any more people I literally cannot stand who don’t even live in my city before 7:45AM on a Tuesday. So no, I will not be telling you which Equinox I usually go to now that I have a therapist and accordingly no longer go to Weho. The well has been poisoned, and it was not fun watching each new toxic gay with a towel tucked in his shorts show up to do it. Moreover, if I am not located at my preferred Equinox location and I post a picture in which I did not tag the location of such Equinox6 then I am likely at that location to escape crowds or attend a class of my choosing. I am not telling you which locations have plentiful benches during peak weekend hours or vigorous yoga flows so you can show up with your crew and steal the bench and my favorite mat location from me.
Where I got that article of clothing
I mean, I know it’s extremely cute and I look literally amazing, but no I will absolutely not tell you where I purchased this bathing suit, given you have a six pack and can wear an Old Navy bathing suit and still look way hotter than me. Even worse, I absolutely don't need you telling every twink driving their leased BMW west of La Brea where to buy revealing but not trashy sungas so that someone can eventually think I am out here copying them, not the other way around. Why don’t you stick to your Charlie’s and feel really included in the community as a result of the other 5 gays wearing the same overpriced speedo at Ginger Rogers. I would like to be excluded from that narrative. I am extremely picky about what I wear, which, like my skincare, is the perfect combo of price and quality,7 ofc, and as a stranger you don’t deserve access to that information as previously established. Also, people are getting paid to shill clothes - it’s called modeling - pay me and I’ll sing like a canary!
Legal and business advice
If you are an ACTUAL good friend, yes, please ask me anything and I'll give you my two cents, which I love doing tbh. Hell I might even happily negotiate that contract for your side business, because that is what friends do for one another! What I don't do, though, is work for acquaintances for free. Recently someone asked me for help with something, and I was so happy they proactively offered to cover my time. I'm not out here making bank on my friends or acquaintances, and trust and believe I'm charging you less than I should. The point here is to respect my time and our relationship. If you’re a stranger who never invites me to anything and makes no effort to form a relationship of any sort, then, no darling, I will not be providing you with any advice for free. Asking for that is actually quite insulting. Consider our acquaintanceship on pause.
In all, I fear that I’ve entered my lightly mysterious era. A little mystery never killed nobody, and I think we should all lean into that. If you see something you like and someone else is doing it, take that inspiration and run with it! But don’t expect people to just hand you the keys to the castle. Do your own work and find what suits you best. Curate your own life! Also, DM me if you think I’ve forgotten any key aspects to gatekeep - I am always down to expand.
I will not be Bluebooking this citation, but that is according to the Oxford Dictionary.
Which, if you’re not gatekeeping, never speak to me again.
Did you catch that?
In New York and LA, ok.
I’ve already revealed too much.
Which is kind of cringeworthy behavior now that I think about it, so table whether I'll ever do that again, unless I am in Connecticut.
💅🏼.